It’s sad but true that our modern-day world thrives on negativity.
We have all-day news channels devoted to doom and gloom, and on the daily, we get inundated with viral videos that bust people for misbehaving.
But here’s what rarely gets attention: catching people at their best. Celebrating what people do right. Changing someone’s heart as they realize how good it feels to be seen in a positive light.
I’ve been as guilty as any mom of trying to “perfect” my teenagers. A ticking clock inside my head tells me time is running out; I have only a few more years to “fix” them and prepare them for life. The pressure feels intense because their future is on the line, and as I watch other parents launch their kids, I feel an urgency in my heart.
This triggers anxiety in me. It makes me spring into action before going to God in prayer and asking Him to take the lead.
I’ve also been guilty of seeing my daughters as extensions of me. At times I project my thoughts, emotions, and experiences on them. I want to save them from my mistakes and heartaches, give them opportunities I wish I’d had, and calm my fears by taking control.
As I do this, I miss who they are. When I treat my daughters as my second chance, I fail to see them as unique individuals meant to live their own lives.
Sissy Goff and Melissa Trevathan, in their book The Back Door to Your Teen’s Heart, explain a common mother-daughter dynamic:
“Adolescent daughters bring to light the insecurities of their mothers . . . For women, the insecurity can turn into a critical view of their daughters. Mothers often see their daughters as extensions of themselves. They expect their daughters to be a perfected version of themselves.”
Wow. Profound, right? The truth hurts, but facing uncomfortable truths is where real growth begins. Nobody wants a mother who is never satisfied, and nobody enjoys the company of someone who expects perfection.
So how do we do our job as moms, setting a high yet realistic bar, and still make our teenagers feel loved? How do we see the good as we deal with eye rolls, attitudes, selfishness, mood swings, a critical spirit, power struggles, rebellion, sass, irritability, drama, smart mouths, short tempers, and defiance — instead of simply wanting to ground them for the rest of their lives?
By stepping away from the microscope to see the bigger picture. Here are some thoughts to adjust that view.
When your teenager takes a step in the right direction, applaud them. Let them know how you see them helping their little brother with a math problem, laughing with the neighbor, putting away laundry, playing their heart out in a game, or working hard on a project. Even praise like “Your brother is lucky to have you” or “You showed class tonight and made me so proud” will stick and impact their self-image and future choices.
2. Love your teenager as they are.
I’ve heard it said, “Raise the child you have, not the child you want.” This is great advice because many of us go into parenting with preconceived notions and fantasies. We want our kids to be like us, only better.
Since God has a sense of humor, He often gives us the opposite. A social butterfly mom may have an introverted daughter. Super-athletic parents may have a child who enjoys art and poetry.
When you can celebrate your child’s personality without wishing for them to change or be more like you, that’s a pivotal moment. It shows that you’ve matured.
I have a friend whose daughter was diagnosed with cancer when she went for her age- two checkup. She is healthy now and in remission, but it was a scary time.
Before the diagnosis, this little girl’s spunk and strong personality frustrated her mother. She wanted her to be calm and easygoing. After the diagnosis, however, her mom realized how God made her feisty for a reason. She needed a special armor to handle the grueling treatments needed to fight cancer as a two-year-old.
None of us knows yet how God plans to use our children. We don’t know what battles He is currently equipping them for. A trait that seems like a flaw now may be a lifesaver down the road. There is no one “right” personality. While it is our job to teach, correct, and mold our teenagers, we’re ultimately called to respect their inherent design and help them become the best version of themselves.
Teenagers don’t care what you know; they want to know that you care. Adults who talk down to them or expect them to listen without taking time to know them make teenagers tune out.
My daughter had a teacher who often complains about “kids these days.” She fixates on how spoiled their generation is, and the students don’t like her because she only sees the worst.
She gives them no credit for what they do right, no hope for who they can be.
In contrast, my daughter had another teacher whom all the students love. As a middle school English instructor, he believes in teenagers at all levels of ability. When my friend’s son struggled with the challenging curriculum, the teacher told him, “I’m not going to let you fail my class. You’ll meet with me every Tuesday before school until we get your grade up.” At an age when most kids feel overlooked, he notices and cares. He sends detailed emails to parents praising their child’s progress and outlining areas of growth.
The Gospels are full of stories about Jesus meeting people where they are and accepting them regardless of their heart’s condition. In stories like the woman at the well (John 4:1–42), where Jesus met a Samaritan woman who had been married five times and came to the well for water, we see His love and mercy in action.
Jesus told the woman that anyone who drinks from the well (pursues earthly pleasures) will always be thirsty, but those who accept His living water (the gift of eternal life) will never thirst again. The woman went back to town, leaving her jar behind, to tell others about this living water.
When I get impatient with my kids, I try to think about how patient God is with me. I wonder how immature I must sound to someone ahead of me in their spiritual journey. I don’t know what they know yet, but if they love me well, they’ll inspire me to learn more.
Author Joanna Weaver says, “Jesus didn’t come to make bad people better. He came to transform us into something entirely new.” God’s kindness leads to repentance. Repentance leads to grace. Grace makes us new creations through Christ. By meeting your teenager where they are today, you give them a glimpse of their heavenly Father and the life-changing love that compels people to drop everything and follow Him.
4. Treat your teenager like they’re already the person they’re capable of becoming.
Our kids walk into the labels we give them. They live up to our expectations. If we want kind and strong kids, we must believe they have kindness and strength in them.
In the movie The Help, the character Aibileen Clark repeatedly tells the child she is raising, “You is smart, you is kind, you is important.” Why? Because she is casting a vision for how that little girl will see herself. She’s clarifying her identity, and any choice or belief that contradicts that identity — like acting mean or calling herself dumb — isn’t true to her character.
Your teenager is more capable than they believe. They were created for a purpose, to serve their generation like no one on the planet has ever served before. While God loves your child exactly as they are today, He also has plans for their future— plans to cultivate Christlike character and shape them into His image.
Cast a vision for your teenager’s life by helping them identify themselves first and foremost as a child of God. Let that be the label they walk into.
My daughter took a beach trip with a friend in middle school and left her wallet in their condo. When she told me, my first thought was, Really? How could she be so forgetful? Her slipup annoyed me.
Later that day, God reminded me of a similar slipup. I had a speaking event in Little Rock, Arkansas, the year before, and in my rush to catch an early flight home, I left my hanging clothes in the hotel closet. Embarrassed, I had to call my host and ask if she’d mind retrieving my clothes and shipping them to me.
I often need a heart check to remember my kids are human just like me. I may be ahead of them in my life journey, but I’m also walking beside them as a sister in Christ.
Seeing your teenager’s flaws is easy. Admitting your personal flaws takes humility. The older your child gets, the more necessary it is to remember we’re all in the same boat — desperately in need of a Savior who loves us, even when we mess up.
6. Remember your influence.
As your teenager’s mother, you hold remarkable power. Your view of them shapes their view of themselves, because when a child doesn’t feel loved by their mom, they struggle to believe they are lovable.
Most moms love their children, and the disconnect begins when our children act unloving toward us. When they push our buttons, talk back, give critical stares, or treat us like a dumping ground, the chasm opens.
One common instinct is to react — and bluntly set them straight. Ask any teen therapist what they hear in their office, and they’ll share stories of moms harshly telling their daughters or sons, “You’re such a brat!” or “Why can’t you be more like Sarah?” Words fly in the heat of the moment, and these rash reactions can derail relationships.
It is up to us as moms to act like grown-ups, to be tactful and separate what our children do from who they are. Rather than say, “You’re a brat!” we can say, “That was a rude and hurtful remark, and you can’t talk to me that way. If you do, you’ll lose your phone.”
And should we lose our cool (which we all do at times!), we can apologize and ask God to help us to not repeat that mistake.
As the most influential female in your teenager’s life, you have power, so use your power for good. Remember how they long for your approval. The people closest to us have the most power to hurt us, so when it’s time to correct your teenager, do it in a spirit of love. Let them see what unconditional love looks like so they can extend it to themselves and others.
When my girls were small, I dreaded adolescence. Every story I heard about teenagers was negative, and the way most mothers put it, I was in for a dismal ride.
Because of this, I mourned their childhood. With every baby tooth they lost, every hair bow they refused to wear, every toy they stopped playing with, I wondered if we were leaving the peak experience of parenting, an age of innocence we’d never recapture.
I realized one day how this mentality was faulty. Instead of mourning my daughters’ changes, I should celebrate them. Watching them grow up is a gift, and if I spend all my time looking back — dreaming about the little girls who once wore matching smocked dresses and sang Disney princess songs — I’ll miss the beautiful scenes playing before me.
Honestly, I love my children more as teenagers than when they were babies. While I certainly struggle more, I also connect with them on a deeper level. I love laughing with them, taking trips together, watching their personalities bloom, and marveling over who they are. As I enjoy this stage that we’re in, I don’t long for the past or wish to go back.
Your best days of parenting are not behind you. While the stress of adolescence can make any parent miss or romanticize the past, there is still great joy ahead. God is working in your teenager’s life, and though this chapter may not look as magical as childhood, it is a special part of their story and yours.
8. Understand what’s happening in the teenage brain.
Your teenager may look like a grown-up and seem self-sufficient, but their brain is still developing.
A teenager’s brain is only 80 percent of the way to maturity. That 20 percent gap, according to neuroscientist Dr. Frances Jensen, is crucial and helps explain the puzzling behavior of teenagers, such as their mood swings, irritability, and impulsiveness; their inability to focus, to follow through, and to connect with adults; and their temptations to engage in risky behavior like drinking alcohol and using drugs.
The teenage brain is in peak condition to learn and be influenced, yet Dr. Jensen compares it to a brand-new Ferrari that is primed and pumped but not yet road tested. It’s all revved up — but unsure where to go.
Teenagers are smart (smarter than adults in some ways), but expecting your child to think like a 30-year-old is wishful thinking. Fortunately, your teenager is still impressionable and hungry for guidance. Now is the time to invest in their life. Now is your chance to point them in a positive direction and say, “These are the strengths I see in you. . . . These are the gifts I believe will help you change the world.”
Your teenager is listening, so seize the opportunity to impact them while their brain is still wiring and thus highly receptive to your feedback.
After years of driving carloads of girls — and hearing private confessions from mothers — I can confirm that most girls doubt themselves. Even the most beautiful, popular, and talented ones you would never suspect.
My guess is that many boys today also doubt themselves and lose confidence as they constantly compare themselves to their friends and classmates.
Most teenagers feel underappreciated and overlooked. Even if they’re impressive and gifted, they’re surrounded by impressive and gifted kids. They probably have someone in their circle who loves to tear them down, and their friends (as awesome as they may be) mostly think about themselves because that is common in the teenage years.
Words matter, and when someone’s confidence is shaky, words matter even more. Even if your teenager acts like a tough cookie, it’s safe to assume they have a fierce inner critic. They need outside voices, especially yours, to help them be kind to themselves.
10. Embrace grace.
Parents live in fear of teenagers hurting themselves. But what is equally scary is the thought of teenagers hating themselves.
Many of us know what self-loathing feels like, and we’re aware that we have an Enemy who likes to lure us into temptation — and then makes us hate ourselves as regret or shame sets in.
Our world is unforgiving, and thanks to technology, today’s teenagers live in a fishbowl. They’re just one mistake away from being cancelled and ridiculed for the rest of their lives.
While God is so merciful, forgiving every sin through Jesus, this isn’t the reality that teenagers see daily. It’s a truth they often forget.
It’s imperative for your teenager to know grace and understand how we all fall short of God’s standard. Yet even at our worst, He loves us and desires a relationship. Your child’s rock-bottom moments hold the most potential for them to understand grace because the love they receive when they feel alone and unworthy can turn their heart toward Him.
As author Anne Lamott says, “I do not at all understand the mystery of grace— only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.”
Grace allows you to see your teenager through God’s eyes and love them through their mistakes. It gives them the strength and courage to rise and try again. We all need more grace in our lives— and more people who give it freely.
This post is excerpted from Kari’s bestselling book Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter
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